70 Years Ago - The Beginning of Something Long-lasting

Celebrating the Understated Wedding

                Today 70 years ago, my parents, Edmund Gates, Jr. and Bernyce Smith, were married in a ceremony in a pastor’s study in Tulsa, with strangers as witnesses. The low-budget wedding was comprised of a gardenia corsage, a quality set of bridal rings, and a well-dressed couple.

                Dad’s sisters, Ella and Mary, had helped him select clothing with some of his mustering out pay when he was discharged from the military in 1945. His two older sisters advised him wisely to choose a suit of high quality. On March 4, 1948, he donned that suit for his wedding. Mother chose a gray pinstripe suit, with a three-quarter length matching coat, accented with a white scarf. Dad insisted they stop at a florist’s shop to have a gardenia corsage designed for Mother prior to going to the pastor’s study to exchange their vows.

                At Drake’s Jewelry in Ponca City, Oklahoma, Mother had chosen her favorite bridal set. Dad approved it and purchased it for $234, which would translate to $2,465.24 in 2018, according to the website, savings.org. Mother’s parents, even her doting father who never challenged his only daughter’s opinions, thought the wedding ring expense was extravagant and the money should have been saved for living expenses.

                My parents were married 67 years prior to Dad’s death in 2015. On the 70th anniversary of their marriage, I sought the components for a successful marriage, particularly for my parents. In my memory, I recalled a few principles that Dad valued in marriage and family living.

My parents - Edmund, Jr. and
Bernyce Smith Gates i 1952.
(Photographs were a rarity even
in the 1950s.)

                “I didn’t want any pouting. Pop would pout for days.” Dad explained his father pouted particularly if he was upset at Grandma. My father determined that when he had his own family no one would pout. Mother said she would just get quiet. Dad would pester her until she talked.

                I was prone to pouting or withdrawing as a little one. Dad would have none of it. He insisted that I remain with the family. His comment, spoken with a cheerful, upbeat voice, was, “I want to visit with you.” His cheerful tone irritated me, but I obediently stayed with the family instead of retreating. Dad achieved his goal. Angie and I are not pouters. Mother said of herself, “He probably wished I would have kept quiet as I got older.”

                Both Mother and Dad prized highly a peaceful, enjoyable mealtime. Dad said the mealtime when he grew up almost always had somebody crying – one of the kids or Grandma. Dad explained that was the only time Grandpa could get all the family together and get them “straightened out.” (In Grandpa's defense, he was trying to feed the many little mouths of his large family from his small farm during the Great Depression.)

                Mother related that her mother used the mealtime as a “working” meal – a time to clarify the work that needed to be accomplished. With Grandma’s high standards, there was always someone or something that needed to be corrected. (Since moving in with Mother, I resist the temptation to discuss “business” such as cattle issues or farm and home maintenance at our meals. That remains paramount to Mother.)

                Another necessity for Dad in his marriage was that he and Mother never went to bed mad. As a family, we read the Bible and prayed together nightly. That almost guaranteed that no one went to bed disgruntled.

                Mother wanted a man who would work. When Dad returned from his tour of duty in Europe and came to take her on a date, he offered to finish chopping her row of cotton so she could get ready. (Chopping cotton meant that Mother and her parents went up and down the rows of cotton, cutting down the weeds and thinning the cotton plants so none were closer than six inches.) Dad’s eagerness to step in and take her place scored points for him in her eyes. She detested the hot, sweaty drudgery of field work. Dad, on the other hand, never encountered a job that was too dirty or too demanding. The weather wasn’t too cold or too hot if the task needed to be done.

                Dad and Mother had distinct roles in their marriage. He never cooked a meal. She never did field work “after he came on the scene.” They respected each other’s contribution to the success of their marriage. Mother never dreamed of asking him to do any household chore. She knew how hard he had worked “pounding nails” and then came home each evening to catch up on farm work.

Frequently, I heard Dad tell someone, “My wife earns her living within three feet of the kitchen sink.” He knew she rose early to pack a good lunch for him when he worked away from home. (Since he didn’t like sandwiches, she put extra effort into his lunch, usually something like a hearty soup in a hot thermos and tasty fruit in a cold thermos.) He detested eating out when he did carpenter work. Mother prepared three meals a day for Dad. After he retired from carpentry, he told me, “Lots of time, Bernyce and I sit at the table and visit for over an hour after we eat.”

Together they worked hard, lived conservatively, and put God first in their relationship. They both contributed 24/7 with all the effort they could give to make a life for their family. By learning to find contentment in intangibles – primarily family interaction - recreating as a family, working as a family (with Mom and Dad showing us work can be “fun”), and committing themselves to show us a family enjoys doing things together. 

When Angie and I asked about Dad getting gifts for certain days for Mother on holidays or for her birthday, he confidently said, “I’m good to her 365 days a year.” After being married to him for 67 years and being a widow for 3 years, Mother would agree that being good to her daily was just about the best gift he could have given.

Portrait of my parents taken by Catherine Marie Gates

LeForce at their 60th wedding anniversary. 

Guidelines for Marriage

·         Choose someone who is willing to work hard.

·         Respect each other and what the other contributes to the marriage.

·         Don’t end the day angry at each other.

·         Read God’s Word and pray together each day.

          Good marriages are not impossible even in the 21^st century. A man and woman committed to making their marriage work can still celebrate many decades of marital success.
           I offer blessings to each couple who is working as diligently as my parents did at their marriage. The rewards for your children, your friends, and for the two of you are unmeasurably satisfying and long-lasting.

To read more about my parents' wedding, access a more-detailed blog post at

https://bernadeanjgates.blogspot.com/2014/03/not-much-of-wedding.html